Election night party 'must haves'

Subject: Election night party 'must haves' Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:37 am

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/08/16/2984337.htm?site=thedrum

Quote :: Election night party 'must-haves'

By Marieke Hardy

Only five more sleeps to go 'til Australia Decides... and Laurie Oakes' family stop using a pillow with a face drawn on it to say grace before meals. Isn't it exciting?

Pleasingly the networks have already started swinging their dicks around over who will have the most butch televisual coverage on the night (Channel 9's promo has everything but Karl Stefanovic dropping and rolling, commando-style, on to the set, though to be honest I thought forcing Lisa Wilkinson to pole dance was simply distasteful), while the bookies are sharpening their odds and hedging their bets and fortifying their leather satchels and other such appropriate betting-related catchphrases.

I'm sure you've marked the days off in your election edition advent calendar and are quite prepared for your August 21 party, but for those of you still fretting about what you might need on the night in question I've put together a helpful list.

1. A Cooley

Look, everybody needs a Cooley from Don's Party at their election night bash. He'll walk in the door uttering the iconic Australian greeting 'G'day c***features*', genially punch the host in the balls, drink all the beer and spend the rest of the night sleeping with everybody's wives. He's a guaranteed party-starter. In the ALP they simply know him as 'Hawkey'.

2. Sexual tension

Sadly missing from what at first looked to be a promising Cybill Shepherd/Bruce Willis circa 'Moonlighting'-type relationship between the two major leaders. I think we'd all steeled ourselves for further heavily laden sexual banter as previously displayed on various Today Show appearances, though something seems to have soured and the most we can hope for now is Joe Hockey making clumsy double entendres to an unimpressed Michelle Grattan. Invite some moustachioed bohunk over to your house instead; you can create your own melting pot of erotic frisson instead of relying on politicians to do it for you.

3. A WEG poster

Wait, do the Herald Sun make WEG Grand Final-type posters for the election? No? They should. People need a visual aid. I guess you can always just use the ALP/Libs/Nats/Greens team double-page liftouts they'll no doubt release during the week prior to stick on your wall and spend your downtime between vote counts marvelling over what a truly alarming-looking head Nationals senator Ron Boswell has on him. Honestly, you couldn't make that head up. It's wonderful. Somebody should cast him in Fraggle Rock 2: The portly wizard years.

4. A Where's Wally tally board

To chart those MIA during the campaign, of which - interestingly - there have been many. Gagged and bound throughout the last four and a bit weeks to prevent any hint of disaster, tonight's the night they'll finally be forced to appear with sheepish smiles at their electoral office at which point you may point to your television screens and gasp "Oh my god, that's right! Peter Garrett/Barnaby Joyce is still in politics/lucid/alive! Should we take down those Missing Person posters from outside the local milkbar?"

5. Hard liquor

Whether you're filling a bottle of gin with tears for your lost countrymen or smashing champagne flutes over your head for a job well done, you definitely require hard liquor on hand to help you get through the night. An election night party without alcohol is like a Family First endorsed Twitter account without an incentive to hate crime: compromised.

Which leads me to:

6. A customised drinking game

Making up your own election night drinking game is a great deal of fun since you can focus on your favourite wild cards. Try taking a sip every time Kevin Andrew hints darkly at his future leadership aspirations, or Alexander Downer appears on television making a camp nuisance of himself. At my house everyone has to do a shot each time they see Bob Ellis pacing angrily in the background of the ABC telecast. If he's spotted getting into a fistfight with David Marr it's doubles all round.

7. A god

On August 21, for one night only, Antony Green must be referred to by all as 'Sir Baby Jesus'. His way is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Amen.

Election Night for Antony Green is like the Melbourne Comedy Festival for stand-ups. It's the one night of the year he is legally allowed to sleep with anybody he chooses, and that person (or those people, he may be feeling particularly festive on the night and it's not for us to judge) must consider him or herself very lucky. Remember that for the 1,095 or so days between federal elections, A Green is folded up neatly and put away in a linen cupboard, so it's only fair to allow him this moment. Please note: the election afterparty back at Green's crib is a Diddy-esque laminate-only affair. There are to be no plus ones.

8. A sense of perspective

Well may we wake up on the morning of August 22 with pounding headaches and an innate feeling of dread/joy/bewilderment, but it's worth noting that no matter who fools the public into buying their d-grade political schtick eventually all the fuss will die down and in three years we'll be primed to do it all again.

That said, if Tony Abbott's prime minister I'm moving to Iceland.

* I'm of the firm belief that this particular phrase should be incorporated into our national anthem. 'In joyful strains, then let us sing/G'day C***features' etc. Discuss.

Subject: Re: Election night party 'must haves' Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:40 am